she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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