dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
