i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Randomize
