Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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