Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
