Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Randomize
