You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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