When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
