So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
