im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
