Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Randomize
