the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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