Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
