My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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