Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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