my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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