i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
