i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
