I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
