a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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