I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
