I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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