Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
