I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
