sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
