She's JV to your varsity
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
