My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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