weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
