i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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