Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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