I just pynch a tree in the face
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Randomize
