How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
