im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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