you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
