Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
