They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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