Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
