Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
my shit smells like andre
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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