Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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