i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
