I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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