Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
two words...techno handjob
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
