I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
