i permit you to call me
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
