Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
