Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
