Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
