1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
