At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
