I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Sorry my hands just texted you
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
