did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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