so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
